With Faith....I will find my Way

This is a blog that will take us back a few years before my family and I landed here in Sumter, South Carolina. Before my family and I arrived in Sumter we were in England finishing up my husbands tour there. We were doing our house shopping online we were so excited to be coming back stateside and getting away from base housing which was filled with so much drama that it left me not wanting to have anything to do with another human being! We came across this house here in Sumter it had enough bedrooms to give each of our five children their own room, enough bathrooms that there wouldn't be any fights over bathroom times, it was off away from the street or highway which was something I really wanted, surrounded by woods...it looked amazing it looked peaceful my soul longed for peaceful...my soul still longs for peaceful I don't know if it'll ever be something I will find in this life time I do find bouts of peacefulness though and for that I am grateful. The name of the street that this house even said to me come on this is it... Faith Way ..... I had to have this house I had to be right here. We sent email's back and forth made offers and finally one was accepted and we were so bless by the previous owners which before we moved in here this house was used as a home for young pregnant mothers, they left the house fully furnished for us by fully furnished I mean we had beds, linens, dishes, living room sets, dining room set, beautiful china cabinet I always wanted, tv, movies, games I mean we only needed to go buy food and boom it was an instant home didn't' have to wait for our stuff to get here from England, it was awesome and since Wayne's truck was left at my parents house while we were in England we had our own car! But still the name of the street has always stuck in my head Faith Way....I knew this place was going be special I just didn't realize how special it would be. When we arrived here I just loved being in my new home I didn't reach out to others I have always had issues with trusting people and after the horrible taste England had left in my mouth I wasn't about to step out and even try to be around other human beings! You look at a life filled with teasing and bullying, you look a life filled with an abusive first marriage and then all the stuff I had to deal with in England and top that with me and Wayne not getting along that well there either. I just wanted nothing to do with anyone honestly. I've always felt like a social misfit and truth is I still do I often feel not good enough, in adequate and nothing I do can fix that myself, degrees to prove I'm smart, big words I can use them, I can write well I can do all these things but I still feel like a small insignificant person. Anyways back to what I was blogging about, Faith Way I just didn't know why that name appealed to me so much maybe somewhere in my subconscious I felt it gave me hope with so much that had shattered around me in my past relationships, friendships, marriage, current marriage, issues with my oldest child, my own broken faith my own brokenness my own emptiness, I have awesome friends back home and in NC that are awesome Christian women and I was far from that so far removed that when they would tell me to take my problems to God and to pray I told them I couldn't even pray, that is just how broken I was and how empty I was that I felt God didn't want to hear from me, he didn't care about me, what was going on, who I was or how I felt or what I needed but most of all I didn't really feel worthy to even speak his name, but they prayed for me when I couldn't I am convinced without their prayers this blog wouldn't even be here.Well a  year or more after we moved into our new home here in Sumter Wayne came home with an invite to a church here in Sumter from one of the guys he works with. Mind you in my home there wasn't much talk of God, yes coming from an ex Sunday school teacher there wasn't much talk of him because well I wasn't living my life for him I was living it for me. But for some reason when Wayne mentioned this church I really wanted to go, I told Abby my youngest who was about 4 almost 5 at that time that we were going to go to church so we needed to get some clothes together we did that went shopping came home and she and I was just hanging out in my bedroom watching tv together and she looked at me and said mommy you know before I was here with you I was with God and he gave me to you! It touched my heart more than anything had in such a long time! There were small things that touched me a song that made me realize that all I had gone through and had caused me to turn away from God and to feel he wasn't there..it made me realize he was always there and that no matter what I should always praise him in good and bad times. But having my baby sit there, not hearing much about God her whole little life and tell me that she was with God before she was with me and that he gave her to me melted my heart and touched my soul and it spoke to me more than anything that God is good and he has given me many good things and the good outweighs the bad any day when I look into one of my kids eyes because he gave them to me. Well that Sunday came we went to church and from the minuet I walked in the door I felt like I was at home, I was right where I needed to be, my heart..my soul was happy. A few weeks later we joined our church..since then there have been a few leaps of faith that I have made and I don't make them lightly or take them lightly. I rededicated my life back to God and I seek his will in all aspects of my life I know he's got me no matter what there is nothing that has been formed against me, tossed at me that I have allowed to shake my faith like I use to a long time ago. I don't allow things to take my eyes off of God and if they do it isn't for long. I've learned to listen to what God wants and I've learned obedience to what he wants from me and when I listen it turns out right and it feels good. I found myself putting myself out there more I'm less of the introvert that I use to be, I'm less fearful of what others think about me he has made me so much stronger than I use to be. Last year I felt that it was finally time to be baptized I prayed about it and prayed about it cause I was so fearful of doing anything in front of a bunch of people I have some sever anxiety over this kinds of situations it's a frailty of mine. I prayed and I said God if this is what you want me to do I will do it because you are leading me and I am following you but you know me God are you sure I'm so fearful of what others think of me and see in me but if it's what you want just be with me. I found peace, I wasn't a nervous anxious wreak the day of mine and Adreanna's baptism God answered my prayer as I was faithful to what he wanted of me. This past year so much has gone on in my life health issues, family issues but God has been with me every step of the way...and my faith has grown, he has stretched me sometimes further than I've cared to be stretched but he has been faithful and he has kept me safe he has given me what I needed to get through, he has put people in my life who love me and don't judge me, who have helped rebuild the person I am becoming from the one I use to be. In the late Summer again God sifted through me again and shifted my eyes from something I wanted for myself to what he wanted for me. I had my heart set on getting my Masters in Psychology I love the human mind and I love to figure out why people do this or do that I always have I guess I always will. But I felt lead a different direction I prayed and I prayed and wrestled with my will and God's will because I felt lead in a different path and one that I never saw myself being lead in ever in my life. So I started Seminary about 4 months ago I'm on my second term. I will do this and I will go where ever God leads me I gave up what I wanted for myself and I find myself honestly more excited about what God has planned for me, I find myself pondering just where he will lead me next, what will he ask of me, what can I do. Does anxiety and fear ever come and pay me a visit..sure I'm only human, is my life perfect now that I have God back in my life and my eyes focused on him, no, truth is no ones life is perfect we are all imperfect people serving a perfect God. I don't want to be perfect I want to be beautifully flawed because if I weren't I wouldn't be here now. I want to be who God created me to be, I want to be what he sees. I don't need or want anything more than that. Some people don't understand and that's alright in time maybe they will but until then I'll continue to find my faith and my way! I think this place was meant for us...I knew something good was waiting for us and now I know what it was so much I had lost..I have found. So yes indeed with faith I will find my way...we all will it just starts with one small step in the right direction! <3